Or: “10 healthy eating tips that can go F*** themselves”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Actually, don’t bother – we both know you have. After an embarrassingly extensive deep-dive into the vast realm of nutritional wisdom (read: frantically Googling at 2 AM while eating chips), I’ve emerged with what can only be described as the Holy Grail of healthy eating tips. And by “Holy Grail,” I mean the exact same advice that’s been haunting your wellness journey since that time you bought a Fitbit in 2018 and promptly let it die in a drawer.
Behold: ten revolutionary insights that are about as groundbreaking as discovering that the sky is, in fact, still up there. Prepare to be overwhelmed by the sheer mediocrity of these time-tested, scientifically-proven, soul-crushingly obvious tips that we all know, none of us follow, and yet somehow keep reading about anyway.
1. “Just Sleep More, You Exhausted Mess”
Oh, perfect! Why didn’t I think of that? Just get more sleep! So, you’re saying my 2 AM anxiety spiral about that embarrassing thing I did in third grade is totally optional? Thanks for the input, science! They say lack of sleep makes you crave carbs, but maybe I’m craving carbs because carbs are delicious and garlic bread exists. Just saying.
2. “Protein Is Your New Religion (And Every Store Is Its Temple)”
Good news! The “eat more protein” commandment has never been easier to follow. Every aisle at the store is now stocked with worship-worthy protein: protein tortilla chips, collagen-infused coffee creamer, whey-loaded crackers, and even “Muscle-Building Merlot.” At this rate, we’ll soon have protein-enhanced breath mints, amino-acid-rich nail polish, and BCAA-fortified hand sanitizer. Thou shalt not be under-proteined.
3. “Have You Tried Making Friends With Vegetables?”
Apparently, my plate should look like a garden threw up on it. High-volume, low-calorie foods are the answer to all life’s problems. Because nothing says “living your best life” like pretending caulirice is an acceptable substitute for actual rice. It’s not. We all know it’s not.
4. “The Sugar Dragon Must Die (But Will Probably Just Nap)”
Cut out added sugars, they say, as if the very suggestion doesn’t make me want to stress-eat an entire box of Pop-Tarts. Sure, let me just casually eliminate society’s most addictive substance while maintaining my will to live. No biggie.
5. “Your Kitchen Is Now Your Safe Space (Or Your Prison)”
Keep healthy food in the house! Revolutionary! Because apparently, the solution to my nutrition woes is simply not buying the things I actually want to eat. As if I won’t just order delivery the moment my willpower crumbles like the cookies I’m not supposed to have.
6. “Water? Water water. Water water, water water water!”
Feeling hungry? Drink water. Feeling tired? Water. Experiencing existential dread? Three words: de-hy-dration! At this point, I’m basically a sentient water bottle with trust issues and a Netflix subscription.
7. “Moderation Is Your Middle Name Now”
The 80/20 rule: Eat well 80% of the time, and enjoy life 20% of the time. Because nothing says “healthy relationship with food” like doing math before every meal. It’s like having a part-time job as your own nutritional accountant.
8. “Expand Your Horizons (But Not Your Waistline)”
Try new foods! Be adventurous! But also track your macros, count your calories, and maybe cry a little when that exotic new grain you bought has been sitting in your pantry for eight months, judging you silently.
9. “Supplements Are Your New Collection Hobby”
Navigate the supplement aisle like it’s a treasure hunt where the map is written in scientific jargon and the treasure is potentially expensive urine. Bonus points if you can pronounce “methylcobalamin” without googling it.
10. “Your Hunger Cues Are Probably Lying to You”
Learn to differentiate between actual hunger and emotional hunger! Because apparently, my body – the same one that knows how to breathe while I sleep and fight off infections – can’t be trusted to tell me when it needs fuel. Cool. Cool cool cool.
The Part Where It Gets Real
Here’s the thing, though. Here’s the vulnerable, raw, slightly uncomfortable truth that I’ve been dancing around with all this sarcasm: These tips keep showing up everywhere because they work. They’re not sexy, they’re not revolutionary, and they’re definitely not what we want to hear. But they’re the fundamental building blocks of taking care of ourselves.
And maybe – just maybe – the reason we keep seeing these same tips over and over isn’t because nutritionists lack creativity. Maybe it’s because most of us (myself included) are still not consistently doing these basic things we know we should do.
I’m sitting here writing this with my third cup of coffee, no water in sight, having skipped breakfast because I was “too busy.” The healthy groceries I bought with the best intentions are wilting in my fridge while I contemplated ordering pizza. Again.
These aren’t just tips – they’re reminders. Reminders that taking care of ourselves isn’t about perfection or revolution. It’s about returning to these simple truths, again and again, even when (especially when) we’d rather not.
So yeah, drink your water. Eat your vegetables. Try to sleep. Not because it’s groundbreaking advice, but because sometimes the most profound changes come from the simplest actions, consistently taken.
And if you mess up? Welcome to the club. We meet every day, usually around the time we’re ignoring these exact tips while reading yet another article about them.